


Instant Messaging: Shut Up, Wolsey!

by TheSaddleman



Series: Instant Messaging [13]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Cats, F/M, Friendship, Humour, Internet memes, Psychic Paper, whouffaldi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-01 23:57:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12715509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSaddleman/pseuds/TheSaddleman
Summary: Clara is angry at the Doctor for embarrassing her during an important meeting by making their psychic paper connection take a turn towards obscene language. Turns out the Doctor, for once, is not to blame. Nor is the cat that has taken up residence in the TARDIS.





	Instant Messaging: Shut Up, Wolsey!

**Author's Note:**

> A strange little entry in my Instant Messaging series featuring a guest star from the Benny Summerfield stories. This story was mostly written in the spring of 2017 and literally sat hidden and forgotten until I resurrected it in November. I'll let you judge if it should have remained buried!

Clara?

Good morning, Clara.

TARDIS to Clara.

Are you awake?

…

Clara Clara Clara Clara…

     _Go away._

     _Not talking to you._

Why?

What did I do?

This time?

     _Aside from it being 3 a.m.?_

     _You embarrassed me today._

     _Yesterday. Whenever._

     _You were rude._

     _I’m so mad at you._

I thought I stopped being rude to you.

Did I say something wrong?

Again?

     _The psychic paper._

     _It started to swear at me._

     _Which means YOU were swearing at me._

     _I was at school_

     _and Armitage was with me._

     _He caught sight of the paper._

     _Saw the swearing._

What, were you passing it around or something?

     _No, it sort of fell out of my pocket._

     _When it vibrated._

     _He picked it up before I could grab it._

     _Wanted to know why I was carrying_

     _obscene matter at school._

     _The look he gave me could strip paint._

And this is a big deal why?

People swear all the time at your school.

     _But I have an image to uphold._

Image? What are you, a movie star?

     _You wouldn’t understand._

     _I’m already in trouble enough because of you._

     _Nearly got fired when I skipped out of class_

     _when Missy froze all those planes in the sky._

     _I’m actually in line for deputy head._

     _And then you had to go swear at me._

     _By-passed the swear filter and everything._

     _What did I do to deserve being sworn at?_

     _It read like bad Thick of It fan fiction._

Clara, I would never swear at you.

OK, there was that time

the TARDIS translation circuits messed up.

But you gave as good as you got.

Otherwise, I usually swear in High Gallifreyan.

Dead sneaky.

Did you know it has twenty different ways to say f-

     _Don’t think another letter, Mister._

     _Well, somebody was swearing at me._

     _It was mortifying._

     _Who else has access_

     _to our little arrangement, then?_

Strax, remember?

     _You really think he’d swear?_

You’d be surprised.

Take his stun grenades away and

he becomes a potato-headed profanity pot.

In Sontaran, mark you

and only out of earshot of Vastra and Jenny.

They take his sherbet fancies away if they hear him.

So it can’t be Strax, but …

wait a moment.

I might have an idea.

Back in a second.

Got to find Wolsey.

     _Find who?_

    …

     _Doctor? Find who?_

    …

     _Fine. I didn’t need sleep anyway._

     _He better not get distracted_

     _and keep me on hold for a month._

     _Again._

         **Oh my dog…**

     _Excuse me?_

         **Oh Long John…**

         **Oh Long Johnson…**

     _Doctor, are you OK?_

         **Old Don _Piaaaaaano_ …**

         **Why I eyes ya…**

     _Now that’s just creepy._

         **All the live long day.**

Wolsey!

What are you doing?

Come away from that paper!

     _What the hell was that?_

Wolsey.

My cat.

     _Since when do you have a cat?_

     _You know I’m allergic._

Actually, I didn’t.

Oops.

     _Not a big deal._

     _I just get really cross._

     _And itchy._

     _And itchy and cross._

     _But this is normally moot because_

     _I have never seen a cat in the TARDIS._

     _Who was psychicing me just now?_

I told you, Wolsey.

My cat.

     _A cat was using the psychic paper._

     _You pulling my leg?_

Honest. Say hello, Wolsey.

         **...**

I said, Say hello, Wolsey.

         **...**

Well, he di-

         **Oh my dog...**

There! See?

     _OK, we have a talking cat now._

You’re not surprised?

     _Have you met us?_

     _What is Oh Long Johnson?_

         **Old Don Piaaaaaano…**

Shut up, Wolsey!

I should’ve never let him

play with YouTube.

Found a talking cat video.

Now I can’t get him to shut up.

         **Why I eyes ya…**

Shut up, Wolsey!

     _Why is he a talking cat?_

Why are you a talking human?

     _Fair point._

Anyway, he didn’t used to talk.

Something happened since I saw him last.

I need to talk to Benny.

     _Hill?_

Summerfield.

Former associate from the last time I was Scottish.

She adopted Wolsey from me years ago.

But she has asked me to cat-sit

while she goes to prison for a bit.

     _What for?_

You don’t want to know.

But the damn cat’s

come back with a voice.

Worse, he sounds like the Brigadier.

Or maybe that guy from The Scarifyers.

     _You’re joking._

     _My god!_

     _I can imagine what that sounds like!_

You’ve never even met the Brigadier.

Alive, that is.

…

Have you?

     _Moving on…_

You’re getting good at deflection.

     _Learned from the best._

         **All the live long day…**

Shut up, Wolsey!

     _You were going to explain the swearing._

Remember last time we met,

I gave you the latest 

version of psychic paper

to replace your old one…

     _… that went through the wash._

     _Yes, yes, I know._

     _I didn’t know psychic paper could scream._

     _I can’t look at a fabric softener sheet anymore_

     _without pangs of guilt._

It would have been over quickly.

The new one I gave you was

Version 2.0.

They made some…

enhancements.

     _Enhancements._

Let’s put it this way…

The Alpha Centaurian who developed the upgrade?

Their nickname was Dr. Doolittle.

     _Which means?_

Smarter animals are simpatico now.

Horses, certain dogs, cats.

Gorillas, orangutans, dolphins.

     _I get the pict-_

Elephants, salmon.

Turtles, hippos.

Those little monkeys that always look guilty.

     _I get it, Doctor._

     _Can they really understand us?_

         **No.**

Shut up, Wolsey!

     _So that wasn’t you swearing at me then?_

Not guilty, Your Honour.

There must have been 

an elephant with issues

near your location.

     _Not many elephants in Shoreditch._

     _But I did see a cat staring in the window_

     _of Armitage’s office._

     _He opened the window and yelled at it._

     _I think the cat might have been skulking around outside._

There you go.

Grumpy Cat, guilty on all counts.

Was it raining?

     _It’s London._

OK, so wet Grumpy Cat.

Wet, grumpy, jealous cat.

I would have been swearing too.

         **Old Don Piaaaaano...**

Shut up, Wolsey!

         **No respect for culture.**

         **OK, you bone-eating snot flowers.**

         **I’m off to bed.**

         **I shall expect food when I return.**

         **A belly rub.**

         **And food.**

         **And after that, food.**

Good night, Wolsey.

…

I don’t know why I…

     _HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

What’s so funny?

     _”Bone-eating snot flowers.”_

     _I’ll have to remember that one._

Cats are renowned for

their ability to insult people.

They’re called Don Rickles with hair for a reason.

     _They are not._

Are too.

Remember, I speak cat.

     _How would a cat know about Don Rickles?_

What do you think they do

when you’re at work?

They watch TV.

Never let them watch the news.

But they’re narcissists

so funny cat videos are golden.

As are reruns of CPO Sharkey on Netflix

apparently.

     _CPO what-now?_

I had to google it, too.

Best to forget I mentioned it.

At least Wolsey doesn’t swear.

…

     :-* 

What does that mean?

     _Supposed to be a kiss on the cheek._

     _Been practising emoticons._

And you did that to...

     _Signify I’m not mad at you anymore._

     _Who is this?_

     _~(_8^(I)_

Strax.

     _No, sill-_

     _Wait…_

     _OK, that does look like Strax._

     _Was supposed to be Homer Simpson._

     _Sorry about getting mad at you._

What about Armitage?

Your promotion?

     _Eh, I just blamed it on Adrian._

     _Armitage just shrugged and said,_

     _”That’s fine, then.”_

     _Adrian’s got a bit of a rep._

     _I turned down the promotion anyway._

Why?

     _Deputy head means_

     _less time to travel with you._

You shouldn’t do that.

You have a life.

A home.

     _What we do_

     _is far more rewarding than_

     _a few extra pounds a week._

     _And sitting behind a desk._

But someday, Clara

you'll want to move on.

And this mad man and his box

will move on.

     _Don’t assume, Doctor._

     _Why would I want to do that?_

     _I’m having the time of my life._

Even when Missy’s

hanging you upside down,

or Daleks are chasing us

up and down corridors?

     _Of course, silly._

     _OK, maybe not at the time._

     _Had a splitting headache after Skaro._

     _And Ashildr’s cooking really didn’t agree with me._

Don’t remind me.

She got better at it though.

     _Sorry?_

Never mind. 

     _Want company?_

     _I love cats._

I thought you said you were allergic.

     _I’ll let you scratch my back._

…

…

     _Still there, Doctor?_

I was waiting for you

to say that came out wrong.

     _No, I meant what I said._

Oh.

         **You will scratch my back first, of course.**

Shut up, Wolsey!      _Shut up, Wolsey!_

         **Oh, please yourself.**

**Author's Note:**

> For the handful who don't know what "Oh Long Johnson" is, he is a black cat made famous for appearing in America's Funniest Home Videos. Feeling either annoyed or territorial towards another feline off-camera, the cat began making gutteral, threatening sounds ... that ended up forming identifiable English words. And so a meme was born. You can see it for yourself here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usSrJGX1Wxs
> 
> Wolsey and Benny Summerfield were first introduced in the Doctor Who New Adventures novels of the 1990s published by Virgin Books, with both characters later being imported to the Big Finish audio dramas, with Wolsey voiced by Nicholas Courtney (aka. The Brigadier). I am not familiar with Wolsey or his arc, and I'm not sure how much talking he actually did, and why, which is why I left things vague in this story. I just liked the idea of hearing Nicholas Courtney recite "Oh Long Johnson"! Summerfield - who has more than a passing similarity to River Song (in more ways than one) reunited with the Twelfth Doctor in the novel Big Bang Generation. With their relationship thus reestablished, this story takes place some time after the events of the novel and, of course, before Face the Raven.
> 
> Nicholas Courtney also voiced a character in the audio drama series The Scarifyers that teamed him with 1980s-era Davros actor Terry Molloy.
> 
> The TARDIS translation circuits malfunctioned and made the Doctor and Clara swear at each other in my previous story titled "I Swear."


End file.
